Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
