he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
