fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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