sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
