My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
