I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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