I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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