I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
