Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
