the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
