I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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