Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
