I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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