My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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