how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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