my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You need a sexual gate keeper
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
