I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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