Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
