On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
