Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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