I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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