Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
