If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
