i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
