i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
