well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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