so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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