A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
