I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
