Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
