Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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