If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
