i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
