I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
