Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
