someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
