I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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