My Higher Power is John Stamos
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
