He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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