just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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