I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize