I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
