What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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