It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
