Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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