Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
