watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
