the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
