We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
