Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
