So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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