he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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