Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
