Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
