WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
