if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
