last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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