I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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