It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
