I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
