I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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