hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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